Living with Urgency

by: Diane G

Wed Dec 16, 2009 at 07:58:12 AM EST

The new blog has been created and I can't even access it yet. Can't even FIND it. Still, the site problems have been problems for MONTHS now, so what is one more day? An eternity to me. Worse, because I am helpless to be proactive to DO anything myself to make it work. I guess even the dot com connection part is not simple.

Of course.

It wouldn't be.

Usually, if I TRY to make something work, that I have no control over or useful knowledge how to fix it, I only make it worse. So I can do nothing.

Now I worry about if even the easiest part seems not do-able, whats going to happen when we get to the hard part?

Shhhh. Calm. Worst case scenario is that I fail at it. Then I am right where I am now, where I've been the last couple years, and it sufficed this long. Obstacles are only obstacles. Take a deep breath.  

Oh, you can put ANY operating system in front of me, once its up and running, and not only can I make it do whatever I want, I usually can find out things it does the techs hadn't thought of. I solved a coding interface problem between Chrysler's EDS ordering system and the business I worked for that even the writers of the program couldn't solve.

But I had something to work with.

When you have nothing to work with, just a total absence of anything to work with, its utter hell for someone like me. At least if it showed up I could tinker with the pretties, the ONLY thing I can do without M_A, NP's and thinblackduke's help. I'd have something to think about.

I hate leaving unresolved things in my life.

Of course, this never works with people-problems. Wait. Actually, sometimes it does. I refuse to die with regrets, or let anyone die with doubts about me. There's the shadow over my shoulder again. Sometimes people are taken aback by the value I place on them, that I don't easily dismiss or give up on them. Of course, sometimes they balk, too.

Recalling my ex-best friend Debbie, who ignored my efforts for resolution for a couple months, then wanted me back RIGHT THEN when she decided she was ready to talk... by then I had so moved on, so hardened to the fact she had no urgency about me, I was done. Besides, she was still coking, so what was the point? Why then? Had she decided I had been punished enough? Phhh.

In a short life, you fix it or move on. I can think of very few people I have loved and lost. Death is a great Advisor. Love now is the only answer.

I live urgent.

Ah well, if I could get into the code right now, it would be doubly hard to walk away and go to work anyway.

But! But! But! Its a new WWL, and the god-send to half my troubles right now. I wanna play with my new toy! I want to be beautifully distracted in minutia & details & problem solving & making something WORK! & & & & & !!!!!

I suck at waiting. Today is going to be OCD hell.

Now I urgently need to get ready for work.

He

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